Are you for Real?

I must have the worst Karma in the history of all man kind.

Wait…do Christians even believe in Karma?…Maybe its bad luck….I’m sure we don’t believe in luck…hmm what should I call it?….Ok I guess I will have to ponder that one later.

The people who know me know that I find myself in the most ridiculous situations possible. So many conversations start with “Well you won’t even believe this…”

Whoever came up with the saying good things happen to good people….they lied. I am a good person by every sense of the word but only crazy things seems to happen to me.

Today for instance…. (swear I am not making this up…hold on it’s a sin to swear…crap. ..strike that. ..promise I am not making this up…that’s better)

Apparently Mr. No Words didn’t think our zoo…I mean lovely children were enough chaos on their own so he decided he needed Colt a giant American Bulldog who seems to thinks he is a Yorkie.

I get home from work and I find myself kid free the house is quite and calm and in perfect napping condition. I begrudgingly take Colt for a walk and wait patiently for him to pee so I can hurry up and take advantage of my kid free calm and get some serious napping in.

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Colt of course couldn’t let me nap alone so him and I head up the stairs got cozy and settle in.

I am suddenly awakened by a pounding at the door…delusional and confused I oush Colt off of me stumble to the window to look out and see what the rukus is about. (some attack dog Colt is…he is still snoozing away on my pillow)

Wiping the drool from my cheek I see a police car…Oh heavens what has my son done now…ugh I hate teenagers…quick: say a prayer…start to think of all the ways I am going to punish him….look for pants….can’t find pants….who has stolen all the pants?!

Maybe that’s why the police are here there is a ruthless pants burglar on the loose and he hit our house while I was sleeping?!  Grab my husbands shorts from the dirty clothes to throw on in leiu of my own pants and frantically run down the stairs.

Brief pause at the back door to calm my heart, and wipe the sleep from my eyes and pretend I am not a crazy person as I answer the door. Look down….seriously I am wearing over sized pink swimming trunks covered in skulls…I had chosen poorly….who am I kidding He will know I am a crazy person for sure.

I open the door and as calmly as I can muster say…can I help you? To my surprise he asks for me…not just me but uses my last night from my 1st marriage. I haven’t been called that for nearly 10 years. He proceeds to tell me that I he has a warrant for my arrest. WHAT?!

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You can’t even imagine the list of things that went thru my head at that moment…For what? Is this a joke? Can I at least try to find my pants first? What do people even where to go to jail? Who is gonna walk Mr. No Words Dog? I have to call Day Care let them know I will be late…waiti I can not call day care and tell her I am being arrested she will think that is crazy…..arrested? Did I just say that? Is this happening? Oh man…I am not built for jail….I have watched Orange is the new Black…I wont make it for sure!…Ok Shannon Focus…

Umm Excuse me? You have a warrant for me? Well the police officer had as much personality as my sock. He stared at my blankly asI tried to figure out what was going on…the only answer I got from him was different variations of:

“I don’t know ma’am I don’t have any details I was just told to transport you I am only doing my job”

I guess normal people who get arrested can just drop everything and go because he seem surprised that I wanted to walk the dog, change my pants and spruce up a bit….I guess I don’t know the rules to being a criminal. I should have watched more episodes of Prison Break!

I am not gonna lie…I cried like a baby. Police Officer Sergent Sock was not impressed by the waterworks and….Off we go.

Two police cars later we are at the Sheriffs office. I walk in still crying like a baby and they want to take pictures. Huh? Snot running down my face and all? No way! Apparently the police department doesn’t care that I have sworn off all pictures until I loose 50 lbs but he does light-heartedly promise that no one will see it but them. Thank God for small miracles….I am sure I would die if that some how ended up on Facebook.

331834d1326998383-funny-mugshots-mugshot-02that’s not really me…

Finally I get to the man in charge….and he says with a chuckle….We have a crazy situation here (ya got that one right) “Today somebody found this old warrant from 2008 at the court-house and realized it had never been entered into the system and in turn transferred to the sheriff’s department…so we wanted to get it taken care of as quickly as possible” – he goes on to tell me that in 2004 (just in case my blog goes viral and people are reading this old post for years to come…for perspective….its 2015….11 years ago) I missed a payment at my sons pre school (yup he is 15 now…so glad you just have bought this up) The company attempted to sue in 2008 but had been sending the notices to the wrong address…Clearly someone somewhere knew my correct address because they found away to knock on my door to arrest me but anyhoo…who am I to question the details…There was a hearing held in 2008 that I didn’t come to because they couldn’t notify me so the judge issued a Warrant for my arrest but they forgot to enter it and lost it until today. (really?? you couldn’t find some lost money you forgot to give me for 10 years…only lost warrants huh? just my luck)

How is that even possible? and Really…you couldn’t think of any other way to handle issues…not a phone call or a letter….the only way is to ruin my perfectly good nap and lead me to believe someone had stolen all my pants? Something is awry with our justice system but that is a whole other blog….

Ugh I have soo much I could be doing…my mental to-do checklist is swimming around in my head. I mumble something to this effect to the Deputy who was waiting with me…he was enthralled in a tense game of candy crush on his cell phone…and he says

calm down it’s really not a big deal ma’am just a paperwork issue we just have to be patient to get it all straightened out….

WHAT?! Not a big deal….just be patient?!…the world is ending over here!…

So I now have to wait to be seen my the commissioner and be processed…..4 hours of waiting….and waiting…and waiting….no food or napping no scrolling thru Facebook on my phone….just sitting….ok I can use this to my advantage no kids whining, no husband needing a foot rub….no folding laundry. YAY!! So, How can I be productive in this time…Doesn’t this man know how much I have to do?! He is thwarting my progress. Maybe I should give him the same speech I give my husband about forward momentum….Argh I am so frustrated!!!

Maybe this is a good time to pray spend some much-needed time with my heavenly Father…quality time with God…yup that’s the ticket….I tried to sit and come up some eloquent wordy prayer or thankfulness and grace….I could not calm the turmoil inside of me to think clearly….all I could think is why does stuff like this always happen to me? Why am I always dragged into something crazy? Don’t they have real criminals to catch? Is this punishment for gossiping last week? I thought you don’t really smite people anymore is this like smiting?…Then a scripture come to mind…

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Exodus 14:14 The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still…..sheesh that is a tough one. Sometimes I have to wonder…doesn’t God know who He created? He created a busy body, a worry wart, a Do’er. I can not sit and be still….What do you want me to do with this, God? Lord what am I supposed to learn from you here? How can people see Jesus in me in this place?

Wipe the snot from my face sit up straight and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Pull it together. Breath. Be Still and know that I am God Psalm 46:10

Does anyone else struggle with the Be Still part? I am always worried about the “Do” part. I excel at the doing. I am an amazing Do’er..I stink at the being still.

I have been reading Have a Mary heart in the Martha world by Joanna Weaver. This is exactly the issue it addresses.

As women we spend too much time caught up in the business of running our lives and we miss the Joy that is right in front of us. How do we slow down? I keep trying and trying to create a less busy schedule so I can find the time for joy but you know what happens?

See the only way to make an un busy schedule is to get everything done as quickly as possible so there is time sit right? Wrong! This never works.

Every time I go thru this it’s a cycle I actually create MORE busyness for myself trying to get Un Busy. Doesn’t even make sense…Here is how it works…I now have to sit down and make a detailed outline about what areas in my life are stealing my joy…contemplate what areas I can make cut backs in….now a check list of about the ways I can make those cut backs….and then list a SMART Goals that will prove that I have finally hit Unbusy..maybe I need to start out by defining what is Un busy? What does Un busy look like in my life?

First let me say…to whoever game up with the SMART Goals concept you my arch nemesis!

I wish I was kidding about this but I am not. This is the true craziness that runs thru my head. No wonder there is no time for Joy it’s not on my checklist for today!…maybe I should ready Lysa Terkhurst book “The Best Yes” that might teach me how to slow down….Quick let me add that to my checklist too…wait…I have done it again..,

Then I am reminded again. Be Still and know that I am God…Deep Breath, and let that soak in a minute…Be Still and know that I am God…I once heard one of my favorite Pastors say

“Quit waiting to catch up….you will never catch up”

So I wonder how do other people out there learn slow down? How do you find the balance in life. Less Stress more Joy? I would love to hear your insights….Leave a comment and let me know!

8 thoughts on “Are you for Real?

  1. Wow love, you definitely meant it when you said yesterday was crazy beyond words. I’m so sorry. I hope you got it all straight! Just what you needed, more to add to your stress! Sending a SUPER BIG HUG! Love you

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow…what a day!!! Still trying to figure out balance. It is like I may get one thing together but then the scales tip cause something else is out of wack!! God knows us and how we are wired….so I think if we maintain our relationship with him he will give us the peace in the mist of the craziness. I think that peace will give us the”balance” we need. Love ya girl!! ❤ you are one awesome woman!!! I love that you shared this….

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This was great yet so stressful all at once. LOVE how you worded everything. So happy your out of the Big House 😉 hey just check it off the bucket list. Time in The Slammer ( check ) , just need a Badass nickname and bam your tough. Love u!

    Liked by 1 person

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